"Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavour, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one's actions." -- Aung San Suu Kyi
I'd love to hear back words of encouragement from the folks out there...the word "courage" is tucked away in there, so every time I hear back from a loved one...or even a stranger...I know that I will grow stronger still in my endeavor to become a mother...one of the worthiest endeavors out there! :)
And I know that letting fear dictate my actions would only lead me to the guaranteed outcome of not conceiving my own biological child. So, I WILL march forward and continue rolling the dice, because I have a great gut feeling that I CAN DO IT. Just like the gut feeling that I had when Steve and I went gambling prior to my latest spate of bad health...actually, Steve went gambling, I was just in tow watching. And I watched him lose $100. But then I had my gut feeling tell me I could be the one to win it back (me, who hates gambling). So I followed my nose, went from machine to machine flitting about like a gnat...and I earned back $96.50. Did I get all depressed because he was still down $3.50? Are you kidding me? My gut is golden. When it speaks, I listen...even if it seems crazy. I've left jobs that paid six figures, knowing that it was a good move in my gut...and it was! I've in the past dated men against my better judgment, knowing that it was a bad move in my gut...and it was. Now I just KNOW that I can conceive a child with my own DNA who will be healthy...so what do I do? I gather my courage, and I move forward. Experience has shown me that my inner voice is right...and I believe it is now, too!
Now, if I were someone else, I would simply give up. Throw in the towel. Forget it. Have a crying fit. I won't lie to you...yesterday I ate a BIG BOWL OF ICE CREAM in sorrow. That news really just hit me like a brick upside the dome. But you know what? I have the courage to continue marching forward. I WILL get up and go to work today, and make it count. I WILL continue to eat properly (well, at least 98% of the time LOL) and I WILL continue to take my pre-natal vitamins and go for more Day 2 cycle blood tests and I WILL pray that God will allow me at least one good shot at having a baby with my own DNA. I am 36 years old with decreased ovarian reserve, which means my chances of conception are less than 20%. My eggs are going bad and are lower than they should be for someone my age. But you know what? There's no despair. I'm not dead yet. I'm not in menopause (that's been confirmed by my doctor). I still have faith.
Of course, that leads me to my next let down. I've unfortunately been told as of yesterday that my bloodwork revealed my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) level was too high for me to do my first cycle of injectible intertility treatment. I have to wait until next month and maybe, just maybe, I can try again.
What I hate the most is the way no one can seem to help me keep from getting sick...and it's not just a frustration at being constantly ill as of the past six months or more...it's the fact that I can't get anything done for more than a few days before being blown onto my back in bed. I've rid myself of caffeine. I drink water and 16 ounces of juice per day (8 oz in the morning with medicine, 8 oz at night with medicine). I have cut the red meat almost completely out of my diet. I have greatly restricted my intake of goodies like ice cream and french fries. I don't eat candy, cookies, cake or gum. My most recent goal, which I've met, is to eat one cup of vegetables with every meal, and yes, that includes breakfast. I've lost some weight. I've religiously taken my Metformin. If I eat something sweet, it's usually fruit, and in controlled doses. I eat wheat bread and pasta, not white. If I have milk, and that's rarely, it's calcium-enriched no-fat milk. No whole eggs...just egg whites. Please, dear God, I even exercised 30 minutes daily until I got sick again. And vitamins? We're talking pre-natal!
Body aches. At times, fevers. A set of blocked nasal passages that apparently extended into my sinuses. Blinding headaches. The need to sleep for extended hours...at the expense of my wedding plans (I've done absolutely nothing during that time period) and even my day job as an attorney. Forget life coaching. Thank God my clients didn't have anything major to deal with. And forget DJing. Thankfully, I don't have any more gigs until next month...and late next month at that.
Not too long after I promised to keep everyone updated as to my wedding plans, I fell ill...again...with bronchitis, laryngitis, and now apparently I have allergies. I have a list of medicatons so long an octogonarian would be jealous. Even today, reaching the tail end of my most recent health saga, I still can't taste anything and even though I can speak, it's more of a croak. I can communicate with people who know me. For people who don't know me, they'd probably hang up on me if I tried calling them via telephone, because they'd be convinced it was a prank.
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