Woman-101: The Basics of Being A Woman

Music Madness

"Music is what feelings sound like."  --Author Unknown

I have spent the last few days attending parties (housewarming, birthday, Memorial Day) and I can honestly say that going back to work completely sucks.  Of course, I'm hardly the first to actually discover this particular strain of emotion.  And just like everyone else, I have to suck it up and return to the grind.

Between social fetes, I curled up with my DJ songlist book and began culling out songs to be played at my wedding, which is now less than three months away.  (And while I realize on the one hand that I still have quite a bit of time left to get things done, on the other hand, it's already the end of May...did that month not fly by???)  Having been a professional DJ since 1998, it was of course a no-brainer that I'd want to hire a DJ to cover my wedding.  Hiring a band would just go against every last grain in my disc jockey body.  Of course, band vs. DJ for a wedding is a very personal choice, and, as I've learned over the last few months, is often as about as inflammatory a subject to discuss as Republican vs. Democrat.  Anyway, the DJ Steve and I have hired wanted me to supply him with a songlist, or at the very least let him know what songs and/or musical genres to avoid.  I do the same thing whenever I'm hired to DJ an event, whether it's a wedding, a Sweet 16, or retirement dinner.  You'd be surprised how important even a "No Play" list is to someone.  (Consider: How eager are you to hear that song you and your ex broke up to...even if, years later, you're happy to be rid of the jerk....)

Anyway, I thought that this would be something I could knock out in a day.  Granted, as a professional DJ I have over 2,000 CDs.  But for whatever the reason, I could not complete the task.  I only made it to the "H" songs before I had to stop.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I love music, so I was having fun.  And, of course, I do have a written list of songs and artists for the DJ to consider; I'm just not finished.  I've also begun a No Play list.  I've got the wedding song picked out (with Steve's approval) and the song I'll dance to my father with (with my father's approval).  Other dedications have been chosen in advance, as well.  But have I finished going through my enormous three ring binder (with five inch spine) yet?  Nope.  I had to mosey off to another party yesterday, which I completely and thoroughly enjoyed, but this morning, in the back of my mind, is this thought:

I'm in trouble.

Because, you see, a DJ picking the music for her wedding, in my opinion, is easy stuff.  Steve and I have to get that list out before week's end (the DJ wants to go over it and meet with us, and weekends and weeknights book up fast for a DJ, as you might well imagine).  We still have to meet with the priest twice more, and meet with the catering hall so we can make trickier decisions...like which hot and cold appetizers we want...which items will be carried about via butler service and which will be stationary...which main dishes we want served (from a selection of sixty possible choices)...what kind of wedding cake we want, etc. 

Oh, and let's not forget that our florist recently backed out on us.  Less than three months away from the wedding, no less, which under normal circumstances I would have thought was no big gig.  Nope.  It's apparently a tragedy of epic bridal proportions.

At this rate, I have concluded that I will have to spend every weekend from now on working on the wedding.  Some of you may actually be surprised that I was NOT doing this before.  :)  But, what can I say?  I was living my professional life...as a lawyer, a personal coach, a DJ, an eBay seller, etc.  Now, somehow, I have to find a great big shoehorn to shove in the part-time job of being a bride. 

On this note, I'll leave you with a quote that in my opinion, sums that feat up in two words.

"Good grief."  --Charlie Brown

93 Days Left Until I Cease Being A Bachelorette

You know, in searching for a quote for today's blog, I stumbled across a few that scared the crap out of me.  Like this one:  "A bride received into the home is like a horse that you have just bought; you break her in by constantly mounting her and beating her."  --Chinese Proverb

What the hell is wrong with the Chinese? 

Or how about this little gem:  "Bride:  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."  --Ambrose Bierce

What the hell is wrong with Ambrose Bierce?

Finally, how about this for the trifecta of irascibility:  "Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers.  Maybe that's why so many mothers cry at weddings."  Jenny Eclair

What the hell is...oh, you get the idea.

There's 93 days left of my bachelorette-hood.  On August 25, 2007, I marry the man who I honestly feel is my best friend.  Steven and I dated years ago, when we were younger, but he broke up with me and said that he wasn't ready to settle down.  Years later, he came rampaging back, swearing that he was ready to settle down and it just had to be with me.  Pretty much, I'm not kidding on that.  I was in a heinously crappy relationship at the time.  He was extricating himself from a three year marriage that begged for divorce the first six months in.  I went out on a date with him once he showed me the divorce papers, and I dumped the chump I was dating.  Steve proved to me instantly that while he was still a fun-loving blue eyed Italian demigod with the widest Cheshire Cat smile ever, he'd actually grown up and wanted to do grown-up things:  monogamy, buy a house, get married, have children...refreshing, right?  He absolutely worshipped me like a goddess, doing everything but presenting burnt offerings in my name.  And he honestly, over the years, became my best friend.  So when he proposed to me at our favorite restaurant called Cafe Umami in Fishkill, I certainly responded with a resounding yes. 

And despite the fact that they've torn down the Cafe Umami and erected a barbecue joint at the same location, I'd like to think that we won't be experiencing the functional equivalent of that in our relationship life once we're married.  It's sad to think that everyone throws such a negative on being married.  But I refuse to look at the next stage of my life as gloomy, like I've given up the joy of being a "swinging single" and that maybe if things go wrong somehow I'll be a "gay divorcee."  There's 93 days left until I cease being a bachelorette...not 93 days until the End of the World as I Know It (to paraphrase the nifty song by REM...although I will admit, I do feel fine). 

Throughout the next few months it's my intention to write about my journey to the altar.  It's really three months and three days away.  You can weigh in with your opinions, as always.  :)  I'll certainly be weighing in with mine! 

Little Things Mean Everything

"Small events and choices determine the direction of our lives just as small helms determine the directions of great ships."  -- M. Russell Ballard

Nothing feels better than tackling a multitude of small things that we've been letting slide to the side.  Whether it's finally sending in that rebate, or cleaning out our junk drawer, or maybe, just maybe, filing away all of that loose paperwork that keeps piling up in your home and/or office, these things just tend to collect over time and subconsciouly weigh you down. 

When you make a big decision to, say, get married, quit a job, change careers, get pregnant, etc., you're always clear that you're going to make a major change in your life.  You know that the course of the river of life will shift.  You (hopefully) prepare for said shift.  But when it comes to handling little things, you actually change the course of your life, too.  It changes in small bits:  that rebate brings in five dollars, say.  Cleaning out your junk drawer leads you to finally locating that gym pass that you've lost from not using it, and you can finally get back in to the club to start working out.  Filing away the loose paperwork reduces the clutter in your home or office, and you feel less stressed and confused. 

You can't say that handling things like these don't add to the quality of your life.  And I say, whether you're in the midst of making a colossal change in your life OR you're kind of on a temporary plateau sans major change, a smart woman will try to check at least one small thing off her list a day, to add to the quality of her life.  My recommendation to you:  for the next seven days, do one small thing a day, no matter how irritating, and clear it out of your mental inbox for good.  Why not?  It's actually an excellent feeling to break through that wall of ennui and DO something you've been meaning to do for a while...like cleaning out that coupon collection so that you can actually use the stuff!  Or finally taking those donations to a place like the Salvation Army or Goodwill.  You know what I mean.  There's something like this lurking around in the background of your life, and you cast your thoughts there every once in awhile, and say, "someday I'll get around to it."  Especially when it's small, it's so worth it to "get to it" one task at a time over the span of a week.  I bet once the week's over, you've (a) developed a habit that you'll continue to stay true to--at least most of the time (LOL) and (b) done probably more than one thing a day...because once you get started, you build up momentum, and keep on going!

What makes me laugh is when people say that "the devil is in the details."  I mean, after all, that's kind of implying that details are evil or devilish.  C'mon.  The angel is in the details, quite frankly.  When you pay attention to the right details, it's a godsend.  Your life gets on a better, neater, more efficient course...which is never a bad thing while you're navigating your way through life. 

Open Your Mouth

"I was brought up to be a proud American, which means opening your friggin' mouth." -- Harvey Fierstein

How many times have we played the shrinking violet?  Women do this so often it's about as predictable as the sun rising and setting.  We're told that we have to play nice when we're younger.  We're punished in high school if we dare to be different.  We're too afraid to break free from the norm at the workplace, lest our bosses look down on us and pass us over for that great promotion we've been eyeing.

But being a martyr gets you nowhere.  For example, in the book, The Sacrificial Mother, the author Carin Rubenstein, Ph.D., says, "When women give birth, they're primed to use their expertise in the art of sacrifice.  They become professionals at compromise, queens of concession.  For many mothers, self-denial feels good.  They feel righteous giving of themselves:  They are Joan of Arc, Florence Nightengale, and Mother Teresa, all rolled into one tightly wrapped sacrificial package."  The only problem is, as the author deftly discusses, while women are predisposed to have an enormous capacity for empathy and a willingness to sacrifice, "mothers who sacrifice too much harm both themselves and their children in the process."

Even being Sacrificial Supermom ain't the way to go, folks!  "...[women's] large capacity for empathy might very well be what makes women so vulnerable to feeling guilty and depressed.  Feeling so deeply for other people makes it harder for women to recognize their own needs.  Because they use up so much of their emotional resereve on other people, worrying about the well-being of those they love, more of them suffer from depression.  The moral:  Being nice carries a price."

The moral to this story?  Starting TODAY, it's not about morphing into the Queen of Mean, but it IS all about you opening your firggin' mouth and standing up for yours, sister!  Tell your boss you deserve that raise.  Break from the pack at the office or in the schoolyard to be who you want to be.  Ask for what you want in a relationship.  Tell your sister to mind her own business.  Give anyone the boot who doesn't understand that you want what you want...unless they're children, of course.  But in their case, they'll just have to deal with it if you want to stay home for once instead of race to a playdate.  They'll have to learn the hard way that they'd better clean their rooms and/or otherwise obey you or they lose their allowance or privileges or radio or computer in their room or whatever.  Tell people what you're thinking.  Let them know what you need.  Because you know what?  They probably have a clue about it as it is...but if they're not doing anything to help you, it may be because they figure they don't have to.  Well, aren't you going to turn the tables today?   

Sigh of Relief

"Perhaps all pleasure is only relief."  --William S. Burroughs

I am beyond grateful today; I've received in the mail a letter from my reproductive endocrinologist that states simply that my second Pap test was normal, and that annual checkups are all I need at this juncture.

Until that one negative result, I had always taken Pap tests with a proverbial grain of salt.  I always assumed my tests would be within normal limits.  But, as with anything else in life, you can't assume anything.  Things change.  Circumstances change.  Your body changes. 

I still would have any and every woman out there in the world take an annual Pap test.  You may read this and think, well, I do, Stace.  But there are many of you out there who avoid the subject because you don't have insurance, you don't have time, you don't want anyone testing anything that has anything to do with your private parts...whatever.  Too bad.  Check out the last few posts.  It's not worth the risk of forgoing such an important annual screening.  What if it's positive?  At least you can jump right on top of the situation and get the treatment you need.  Pre-cancer turns to cancer and cancer equals death.  We all have to die sometimes, but cancer is not the way I choose to go.  It's one of the most wretched, agonizing, painful ways to die.  If you skip the test, you're just playing roulette with your health. 

Sometimes being an adult sucks, in plain English.  But you have to be responsible, not only for your own good but for the good of all who love you and depend upon you.  Suck it up.  Make that appointment for your Pap, breast exam and just general annual checkup today.  And while you're at it, get your regular doctor to give you an overall wellness check and physical.  If you don't even have a regular doctor (or primary care physician or family doctor), do not pass GO, do not collect two hundred dollars.  What the hell is wrong with you?  It's not worth letting your health go like that!  Make the appointments.  Pay the co-pays if you have insurance.  Call up, get a quote and save up for the appointment fees, lab fees, and what not.  I know you'd rather spend the money on a few coffees, a new outfit, a round of drinks for your friends on Friday night or whatever.  But think about it.  If you don't spend the money and the time making sure that you're healthy, and your health eventually goes to pot, then you won't be enjoying very many more coffees, outfits or drinks, now will you? 

I'm sorry, but after having bronchitis for two weeks, laryngitis for a few days after that, and then getting up out of a sick bed to discover an ingrown toenail that required surgery (so back to bed for a day of recouperation), I can tell you truthfully, the quote "You've got nothing if you don't have your health" is my total mantra now.  Being ill not only kept me from posting for the past few days...it kept me from everything!  Get your priorities straight...you want all of the pleasurable relief you can possibly get from health tests that come back negative.  A negative has never been such a positive for me until now!