Woman-101: The Basics of Being A Woman

Attagirl!

"My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors."  Bette Middler

When was the last time you gave someone an attagirl!  A pat on the back, "you go girl!" kind of thing?  Did you do it to a co-worker, your sister, your best friend?  If you find that this isn't the sort of thing that you do, because you're too busy keeping your head down and sweating the small stuff, it's time to pull your proverbial head out of the sand and do something nice...because I find the universe sends that sort of energy back your way, if not immediately, down the line, just when you need it most.

But, sometimes more importantly, when was the last time you gave yourself an attagirl!  When was the last time you celebrated your own success?  It doesn't take much to be a superwoman...I mean, look at the Bette Middler quote and that speaks volumes.  So many humans today are into sucking in reality TV while sitting on the couch guzzling cola and a bucket of chicken that you can be a superwoman just by being a responsible, capable adult.  And there's something to be said about that.  And the WAY you say it, about yourself, and about otheres, is the focus of today's post. 

Women don't give themselves enough credit.  Honestly.  And that just stinks.  You work, you run chores outside the home, you cook, you clean, you pay bills (perhaps even all of them nowadays) and you know what?  There's no trophy with your name on it shining on the mantelpiece.  And your husband or significant other may be running around like a maniac through life, too...so after the honeymoon wears off and Everyday Life sets in, you could very well not be getting the "Awesome job, honey!" feedback that you secretly crave.  And your kids?  Forget that!  They're either too immature or too inundated by school, life and playdates to say that sort of thing to you.  It doesn't mean they don't think it, but unfortunately, children, spouses, significant others, friends, families and co-workers don't come equipped with glass heads that allow you insight to their thoughts.

So, although part of my advice is for you to Pay It Forward to other women (and men and children, too), most of the thrust of today's post is for you to give yourself that proverbial pat on the back and take some time (oh, not more than a moment, I'm sure, given your busy life) to stop and smell the roses.  You deserve it.  You're repsonsible and earn a paycheck?  Attagirl!  You deposit the thing and pay your bills on time?  Attagirl!  You keep your house reasonably sanitary given the fact that there are multiple people (and possibly multiple animals) living under one roof.  You GO girl, that's tough...especially if that's not the only thing you do! You're soccer mom, running kids, dry cleaning and groceries all over the globe!  You rule! 

Why is it so ridiculous to think that you aren't deserving of such self-respect?  How can it be silly to celebrate your successes...large and small?  Why does your tummy do a flip or your lips curl up in derision at the thought that you should be proud of everything you log in and complete each and every day of your life?  It's your life, you carry yourself around 24 hours a day...so shouldn't the trip be the best one you can make it?  Shouldn't you appreciate everything that you do...even on days when you feel like no one else does?

But the important thing to take away along with the lesson of appreciation of what you and others do is to focus on exactly how you make yourself or others feel good.  And that means that you try your hardest to build yourself or someone else up while avoid the bait of knocking another person down.  And this gets tougher than you think!  Women are used to being gossipy...c'mon, admit it!  Think Rachel Green on Friends...remember the New Year's resolution she made not to gossip?  It didn't last an episode!  But snarky backlash about another human being is just as insidious.  Example:  "Wow, Joan, you lost five pounds, I can totally tell!  You're doing so great.  But poor Roberta, she's just blowing up like a blimp, isn't she?"  No, no.  The universe, in my opinion, sends you the good vibes and the bad, snarky ones right back atcha, babe.  So, just pat someone else on the back without backstabbing someone else.  The same thing goes when you're loading on praise to yourself.  Don't tell yourself you're doing better than your best friend because you're totally breastfeeding like a champ while she's bottle feeding because she gave up and it was too tough for her.  Just give yourself the healthy thumbs up and try not to think negatively about the other woman's woes.  It's hard to do, because, unfortunately, it's human nature to compare yourself to others.  But you are your own superwoman.  You're running your own 24 hour reality TV series about your own life.  No one carries themselves around 24 hours a day like you do.  So spend the next 24 hours like a TV camera is recording your thoughts and deeds, and others can see and hear them...spend it on positivity, on congratulating yourself and others for jobs well done.  Thank people that deserve it...even if it's a belated thank-you, because I just can't imagine a world that's full of too much praise and good vibes, can you? 

And remember, you may not be wearing a red cape with an "S" emblazoned on it while you're washing that floor today, tomorrow, or next week, but while you're immersing yourself in your daily rounds, give yourself credit...not only Bette Middler should think you're pretty super for doing it. 

Zero Energy to Bullies

“Bullies are always cowards at heart and may be credited with a pretty safe instinct in scenting their prey."  Anna Julia Cooper

I learned a neat trick that I'd like to pass along to women everywhere.  Anna Julia Cooper's right...bullies can scent their prey, because they can smell fear.  They can sense negative attitudes, whether aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive.  They can tell that someone's afraid OR that someone's going to fight back with them.  And sometimes, believe it or not, having an attitude or fighting back with a bully just feeds the fire.  It depends on the situation, but sometimes it's better to give ZERO energy to a bully as opposed to even fighting fire with fire. 

What the heck do I mean by that?  If a bully attacks you, you should do nothing?  It depends on the bully and it also depends on the attack.  If a bully's physically attacking you, of COURSE you have to give it energy...enough to break free of the attacker, flee and get to the authorities to report the crime and bring the bully to justice.

Zero energy is called for when you're facing a bully down, say, in the schoolyard or at work.  In both places, cruel people, regardless of their age, will give you nasty looks.  Or sling insults under their breath.  Or maybe not under their breath...maybe they'll say condescending things to you to your face (and if they're older folk outside the schoolyard, they'll do their best to wrap their words in sarcasm or double-entendres, etc.).  What do you do when faced with crap like this?  Give it zero energy by centering yourself, taking a deep breath and moving on.  That's it.  No snappy rejoinders.  No giving recognition or reactions to nasty looks, snotty laughter.  You don't just sit there and pretend to ignore it.  You move on, physically and mentally.  You don't allow these people to rent space in your head afterward.  You take the thought of the bully giving you the Evil Eye or saying the nasty comment, and you crumble it up in your mind like a piece of paper, and you throw it away.

Are you kidding me, Stace?  you say.  That's a load of crap.  What if I'm facing down a bully in the boardroom, or in the courtroom in front of a judge, for example?  It's one thing not to give any physical signs of reaction when a white collar executive or opposing counsel rolls their eyes or says things under their breath.  But what if there's an audience and they're being nasty out loud, to my face, no holds barred?  Let's say the rest of the board's looking at the two of us, the bully and I, or the judge is watching opposing counsel be nasty to me?  Then what?

You can still give it zero energy.  A girlfriend of mine just faced down a bully in court last week using this same principle.  She represented a client and opposing counsel got up to sling insults not only at the client, but at my girlfriend as well.  He yelled.  He screamed.  He gesticulated.  His voice rang off the ceiling tiles of the courtroom.  If my girlfriend met him power for power on that whole scene, I could just imagine it might have even come to blows.  (She'd kung-fu his butt, trust me).  But my girlfriend didn't bow down at the temple of "In Your Face."  She kept her composure.  At times, she shut her eyes, "as if in prayer mode," she said.  She listened to what he was saying...but didn't fire back.  She waited until it was her turn to go to the judge, behaved as though none of that nonsense occurred, and responded to none of it.  She merely went on, cool, calm and collected, and made her case. 

And she won. 

And so can you.  Bullies in the professional arena sometimes act the way they do to become or stay Top Dog.  Or to rule through intimidation.  To keep you "in your place" so to speak.  But you get to choose your own place in the workplace and in the world outside of it.  If you simply ignore this type of bully and don't play into their hands by reacting, or by going further and firing back, they lose their home field advantage on you.  You can just move throughout your workday, make your points as calmly and intelligently as possible, backed up by as many facts and hard data as possible, and quite frankly, there's no reason why you can't win in the boardroom.  Or the courtroom.  Or anywhere. 

When people have to yell, scream and shout to get their way, it stems from (believe it or not) insecurity and fear on their part.  They figure if they let loose a sonic boom, people will give them their way so as not to deal with them.  They're not used to people NOT reacting.  They're not used to people NOT giving in, running away, etc.  They become impotent when that tactic doesn't work on you, and eventually they give up. 

Oh, by the way...I'm not telling you to run away in a professional setting, when I say don't react, don't fire back....  You're not going to just up and quit a job over that.  You're not going to just throw the case and tell the judge that the other side won.  I mean, just go on with your day.  Complete your tasks.  Earn that paycheck.  Continue making connections with the boss while your bully co-worker acts like an imbecile.  Your boss will see the difference between you two, and appreciate your classy professionalism over someone else's crude attitude.  You don't think the judge in my girlfriend's scenario didn't appreciate my girlfriend's attitude over the bully opposing counsel?  Really, people in positions of authority tend to see it all...and they know BS from the Real Deal.  They know that braggadoccio is merely false bravado. If you've got your facts straight and backed up by hard data, you're obviously going to outperform and outclass the bully who just sneers, jeers, and puts down your facts and hard data. 

Eventually the bully will stop the insanity.  After all, every blowhard runs out of air, eventually.  And if their scare tactics don't work with you, at first they may try to hit harder, thinking they need to do this to get you off balance, but when THAT doesn't work, they're certainly not going to murder you...that's crazy and it takes too much work.  No, no, my dear, they will simply just move on to an easier target.  A bully does what's simple and easy to get to you...because they're cowards at heart.  And a coward doesn't want to work that hard, or take new risks...they'll just stick to their pattern and huff, and puff, and blow the house down on some other little pig.  But not you.  You're not made of straw.  You're not made of wood.  You're made of bricks.  It takes more than hot air to beat a woman like you!   

Push Yourself

"Storybook happiness involves every form of pleasant thumb-twiddling; true happiness involves the full use of one's powers and talents." -- John W. Gardner

Today, I want you to think about pushing yourself past your comfort zone.  A great book to read on this subject is Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.  If life were meant to be easy, there'd be no reason to do anything.  Life would just be boring.  Believe me, I understand, there are some days that are so chaotic and overwhelming that you'd TAKE boring!  LOL  But think about it, really be honest with yourself...how many boring days could you take before losing your mind?  I bet you that after a month you'd go crazy!  I remember when I was laid off from my Manhattan job...I spent the first few days lying around, collecting unemployment, and polishing my resume.  Yes, I made telephone calls looking for work, thankfully I had professional connections (and they eventually led me to a job).  At first, I was relieved.  Every day was pretty easy without having a boss hovering over me or a deadline stressing me out.  I could watch TV.  I could take a bath and read a book without interruption.  As Borat says, "Very nice!" 

Two weeks later I was stir crazy. 

Anyway, you could say I was pretty happy in the beginning.  I sat around twiddling my thumbs, trying to be content in the moment.  I had enough connections to get another job.  I KNEW it would happnen.  But I just didn't know what was missing from my life.  Now I know.  It's the challenge.  Because coming out on the other side of challenge was what made me feel happiest.  Not sitting around on the sidelines soaking up the sun.  I mean, that's nice, in measured doses.  But it's not what mankes a person powerful...or truly, deeply happy.  True happiness DOES in fact involve the full use of a woman's powers and talents.  Why do you think you had these things in the first place?  To use them!  And using them means busting loose from the cocoon of habitual living patterns that you've been sliding through for who knows how long.  You have to start living life more as if it is a contact sport.  You have to be willing to take risks, do something different, engage in getting stronger mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, so that you can lay the foundation of a better life for yourself.  And that means change.  That means using ALL of the wonderful talents that are locked deep inside yourself.  Make a commitment today to do exactly that.  And even though sometimes, when the risk-taking puts you in some unchartered waters, you get nervous and long for those thumb-twiddling idle happiness moments, I promise you, when you've reached new shores and experienced new adventures, you'll find a depth of happiness you never even dreamed was possible!

Beauty Under Fire

"A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful." --Jacqueline Bisset

It's easy to feel beautiful when you go on a shopping spree and treat yourself, or when you get a mani-pedi (or do anything at a spa).  It's easy to feel beautiful when you get all dolled up and go out for a night with the girls, your honey, your co-workers.  But it's hard to feel beautiful when you're faced with adversity.  You open up a credit card and die when you see the balance due...it's hard to feel beautiful then.  Likewise, it's hard to feel beautiful when you have to scrape your toddler's poo off the wall from where they smeared it.  And it's also hard to feel beautiful when you have a snarling, cranky boss (or snarling, cranky co-workers) to dealt with every day.  But it's entirely possible to experience beauty under fire.

You've no doubt heard of grace under fire.  There's beauty under fire, too.  Ms. Bisset is right:  courage, discipline, fortitude and integrity can make you quite a beautiful person.  Beauty is a general concept, to be sure, it doesn't have a single set of physical or intellectual standards.  So, you're beautiful when you have the courage to stand down a bad situation and do the right thing, like breaking up with a boyfriend who cheats on you.  Only a beautiful, strong, courageous woman does right by herself and has the strength to stand up for herself...and breaking up with a bad guy is something every woman has the ability to do.  So every woman can be beautiful. 

Every woman dig down deep and find the discipline to deal with a gigundo credit card balance.  It takes courage just to look at the thing, and THEN discipline to make the monthly payments, no matter what.  It takes even MORE discipline to sacrifice creature comforts (more shopping, the Grande drink from Starbucks, dinners out, that Friday bar night with the girls) until the principle is paid down, too.  (Because as everyone knows, credit card minimum balances are mostly interest, NOT a lot of principle).  But it somehow feels beautiful to stare down that credit card balance and eventually destroy it.

It takes fortitude to deal with a toddler who is too raw of a human being to completely grasp the refinement necessary to NOT swirl poo on the wall, or decorate it with crayons, or chase the cat around with scissors, or be quiet in public when others are dining in a restaurant.  But you know what?  You've got what it takes.  You've handled it before, and you'll dig down deeper and handle it again.  And why can't you feel beautiful in the process?  It takes quite a lady to deal with everything a toddler has to dish out.  You're a fantastic woman AND an awesome mom.  And someday, trust me, you'll look back at this phase and laugh. 

It takes a combination of courage, discipline, fortitude AND integrity to deal with nasty bosses or co-workers.  You have to have courage just to go in there and face it down every day until you (A) have an exit plan to leave to go someplace better for you or (B) get that promotion and end up in another department, location, whatever.  You have to have discipline to sit yourself down on time every day, and to push yourself minute by minute, hour by hour, task by task, until the day's over and you get to go home.  (Free at last!)  It takes fortitude to have that graceful strength to face whatever the co-workers dish out at you. 

And, finally, it takes integrity not to stoop to their level, crush under the weight of their nonsense, and be the better, bigger person.  And you are that better, bigger person.  And you know what?  That's more beautiful than a supermodel on a runway.  Want to know why?  To me, it's not about the skin-deep stuff of who has that blemish-less face, or the best makeup, or the fashionista wardrobe, etc.  You can have a woman who has all of those outer trappings about her, and she's ugly as sin on the inside.  She's weak from alcohol, drugs, eating disorders...she's nasty, she's entitled, she's dull and droll.  (Now, now, I'm not saying ALL supermodels are like this...but you know some are if you read the magazines, even if it's just on line at the supermarket). 

The bottom line is, beauty under fire is the best kind of beauty there is.  It's not something that can be achieved by slathering on the latest shade of lipstick.  It's achieved by courage, discipline, fortitude and integrity...something that's available to all of us, without a purchase price.  And when we try those aspects of ourselves on for size, we always look and feel our best.

Unsinkable Cheerio

"Come celebrate with me that everyday something has tried to kill me / and has failed." --Lucille Clifton

Nothing makes me happier than coming out on the other side of turmoil, victorious.  How about you?  Come on, you've had to have had your moment. It might have been as small as facing down a bully in the schoolyard to coming through the last minute at work and saving an account from going under.  It could be that you've had to turn the house upside down to find that missing hamster for your child.  Or turn the office upside down to help your boss find a missing memo.  You could have run to a friend's house in the middle of the night to bundle her up, get her things, and finally take her away from that abusive husband once and for all.  The bottom line is that there are so many ways, large and small, that you may have managed to face down a demon and win...and do we stop to celebrate that?  NO WAY.  OK, well, maybe one or two of us do, but the rest of us?  Forget about it!

I remember years ago, a friend of mine and I came out with a line of audiobooks which were geared for law students, to help them get through the first year with as many tips and tricks as possible.  What a great idea!  We had some sales and thought it was awesome.  Do you think we took the time, at any point along the way, to celebrate our success in, oh, say, writing the first script, recording the first audiocassette (we're talking years ago, folks! LOL), finishing up the product design, getting that first sale?  Are you kidding me?  We ran around like jackrabbits, on to the next task...for this particular business, or for our regular "day jobs" or our household chores, etc.  We never celebrated those major milestones, and now they're gone.  Years later we haven't even so much as cracked open a bottle of champagne to commemorate doing any of that stuff! 

But you don't have to come out with a line of audiobooks to know what I'm talking about.  Hey, if you've even managed to go the miracle mile to clean the house and get a hot dinner on the table when your husband brings home his boss for dinner the last minute, and it all came down just fine, you deserve to celebrate being that awesome woman that you are.  When your kid hugs his or her hamster, when your own boss looks at you with gratitude, when your co-workers give you the thumbs-up, please do me a favor?  Savor the moment and celebrate it in ways large AND small!  :)

Second Wind

"Few [wo]men during their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used." -- Richard E. Byrd

When you believe you are ready to exhaust your personal resources, when you are forced to face problem after problem, back to back without relief, what happens?  Do you curl up in a ball and whine, or do you dig deep within yourself, tap your hidden resources, and get that much-needed second wind?  I used to do the former, but since finding my way several years ago, I have certainly gotten myself to do the latter. 

The past few days have been a perfect example.  No blog posts for a reason:  I was hit with not one, but two emergencies simultaneously, and while I tried to wrestle my way through both of them, my cell phone rang perpetually (I still am a practicing attorney).  You know how hard it is to haul yourself to the doctor's, short of breath, red-faced and sweaty, and see that your cell phone's screen lists not one, not two, not three but EIGHT voicemail messages need to be answered...and it's only been half an hour?  And you know they're important, but how can you answer them when you might be in a hospital later on, depending on what the doctor says following his examination?  And then you get home from said doctor's visit, following several hours of monitoring and six tubes of blood extracted from your veins, only to find that one of your two beloved eight-year old cats is lying in a pool of vomit, urine and excrement?

Talk about digging deep and finding one's second wind!  I got her to the vet.  I multitasked of course.  I cried while I drove her there and handed her off to the vet.  I screamed to vent out my frustration on the drive back home, since she had to be kept overnight for ultrasounds, x-rays, blood tests and intravenous treatment.  The next day, the blood test results for ME had come in...and my doctor needed to see me again.  The verdict?  I am a pre-diabetic, who needs treatment via medication.  And although I'd been eating pretty well before this diagnosis, I now had to completely give up soda and cut way, way back to almost nothing on sugar and starch, else risk floating into full-blown adult diabetes.  Then the blood test results came back on the cat, who I had to pick up very soon afterward, and of course I left the vet's office hundreds of dollars lighter than when I came in, with a tube of liquid medicine to give my baby from now on orally, as well as a humongous bag of special food to feed her. 

The old me would have thrown a pity party, for myself, my sweetheart, my family and all of my friends to attend.  But what the hell does that do anyway?  I merely picked myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and did what I had to do.  Why?  I've learned a valuable lesson through the years.  Life is like a roller coaster:  if you keep your eyes closed and duck and cover through the scary parts of the ride, you will end up infinitely more sick to your stomach as a result. 

The advice I'm going to give you is going to sound simplistic and smug, but it's advice that I follow and with very good results.  It's never failed, this advice.  You need to do your best to follow it, because it works.  When faced with adversity, no matter how shocking, frightening, or crazy, you have to suck it up, and steel yourself with a statement of "So what?" and calm down, so that you can reach within yourself and find that second wind.  I said "So what?" for example, when I found that I was pre-diabetic.  It might have upset me to find that I wasn't "normal" and may get the full-blown disease.  But I said "So what?" because, thank God, I didn't have cancer, AIDS, heart disease, or a variety of other maladies that the doctor tested me for.  I need to swallow one pill a day, possibly on a temporary basis.  We'll see.  I have to dramatically cut down on sugar and starch.  Know what?  The medication I've found absolutely dulls my desire for these things.  Yay!  I wasn't overdosing on them to begin with, but it's a nice added extra to not even have the urge.  And although I could have croaked when I saw the bill for my cat, I said, "So what?" Because you know, I'd rather pay the money than lose my cat.  And I know that I can pay that bill off through hard work and cutting back on some unnecessary expenses.  This, too, shall pass. 

I mean, that's an explanation for the past few days.  It's been crazy, it's been at times frightening, but it's life.  The highs can be high, and Lord knows the lows are very low, but...so what?  That's life for you!  I'd rather be living it than not!  I can get through the life changes necessary to keep moving forward through my diagnosis.  I can pay down the debt from the cat.  Men have left me and I've not died.  I've been downsized from jobs and found better ones.  No matter what life throws at me, I take a deep breath, keep my eyes open, and grab the proverbial roll bar on the roller coaster.  I come out the victor each time, even if it's in ways I couldn't have anticipated.  And if I can do it, my sisters, certainly you can too.  You have so much strength, so many resources tucked away inside you...but if you keep your eyes shut and holler your lungs out without doing anything else, you're never going to find it.  I urge you to believe that you have within you everything that you need to succeed in life.  If you believe it, you will see it!

Reverse the Helplessness

"Go within every day and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out." --Katherine Dunham

There have certainly been days that I have felt helpless.  When my beloved Nanny lay dying and no one could do anything to save her life or make her more comfortable, that's the pinnacle of helplessness.  But on more normal, less nadir-like days, I've felt helpless here and there, too.  For example, when I was hired on to one particular law firm and we had an understanding about what my job responsibilities were, and then, a year later, I was being crushed with not one, but TWO additional legal departments' worth of files, I vented to my partner about how unfair it was and that I needed a raise...and he shut me down and in essence refused me.  And I couldn't leave at that particular moment, because of a financial goal I needed to attain.  Man, I felt helpless.  But let's face it...who am I kidding?  It's easy enough to feel helpless when you're stuck in traffic, trying to get to work on time.  Or when you're struggling with a toddler who's melting down in public and your husband isn't there to help you.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

The question becomes what to do under such circumstances.  Do you just shake it off?  Sometimes that works, sure.  But often times...NOT!  Maybe you bombard yourself with positive-think-y thoughts and/or mantras.  Yeah, that might work too, but for me...NOT!!!  I feel beyond cheesy trying to do that.  Some folks can pull that off, and I think that's great.  I'm not trying to discourage you...do whatever works, by all means.  But what if you're like me?  You can't just flip the situation that induces the feelings of helplessness the middle finger, you can't just shake it off, you can't blue-sky it away....

Let's use the example of me being stuck (temporarily) in a job where I want to stay because the pay is decent enough for me to meet a short-term goal.  (Normally, I would walk out and find something else, and I think if you're stuck in a dead-end and/or toxic job--or even relationship--walking out is often in order, because you never know what great things are around the corner, as per my 3/18/07 post, below).  OK.  Telling myself that this isn't going to last forever helps.  Outlining the rungs on the ladder that leads to the completion of my financial goal, in writing especially so that it is visible and tangible (ergo, possible) is another great thing to do.  Getting lost in the routine of my day, shifting my focus to other things, is also useful, while I tick the days down until I've met my goal.  (After all, there are how many other goals I'm trying to achieve simultaneously in my life...life isn't two-dimensional, and I'm certainly NOT all about just my job). 

Responsible pursuits aren't the only way to push through the days...how about recreation?  Tae Kwan Do and exercise in general are great ways for me to spend my spare time.  I also eBay.  How about you?  Are you all work and no play?  (It makes Jill a dull girl).  Is there something fun and at the same time productive that you can do?  Can you eBay the extra trash around the house that someone else will find a treasure, for example?  Can you go for walks with your loved ones at the beginning or end of the day, sneaking in exercise while you socialize?  These are just two examples...I'm sure if you put your mind to it, there are countless ways to think of fun things to do that pack an extra punch of positivity in your life.

Finally, it's hard to go it alone.  I don't care how many hours you work, or how crazy your life is after work.  Get thyself a cheering squad.  If your parents are a healthy support system, great.  If not, look to your friends outside of work.  Or even co-workers with whom you've struck a relationship.  If for some reason you work alone, live alone, and otherwise function solo like you're in some proverbial bubble (hey, it happens I'm sure...or something awfully close), there are STILL ways to earn yourself an emotional support system.  There's personal/life coaches who you can consult with, even on the phone or electronically if you can't scrounge up the time to travel them.  There's counselors who do phone consults, who can basically double as a life coach and probably for the price of a co-pay.  (Wait a minute, don't frown...counselors can be great short-term support systems without you having to have some sort of major mental and/or emotional issue going on, and no one but you has to know you're chit-chatting with a professional of this sort...and if you just so happen to find out that there's an issue you haven't dealt with from your past, to me that's an added bonus, since you'll function so much better once you've cleaned out your emotional closet...but I digress).  Last but not least, I'm sure there's a bulletin board or chat group somewhere out there on the vast, endless Net that serves a cheering section function, where people buddy up and give each other praise and support for meeting goals and getting through life's ugly times.  Just pull up your search engine, plug in your issue and something like "support group" "focus group" or "interest group" and I'm sure you'll find a friend. 

There's no point in succumbing to helplessness.  All you do is sentence yourself to a downward spiral of misery, and really, you don't want to be there.  It doesn't make you feel better.  I'm all about venting to let off steam, but since we're all finite creatures at some point, honestly, your venting is done and all you're doing is hitting the replay button to recreate the sadness all over again.  If you're bright enough to log onto the Internet and find this blog, you're way too smart to do something like that to yourself.  You have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and detach yourself from the helplessness leech that's sucking your soul dry.  Maybe you can do it through wearing rose-colored glasses, and if that works, great.  But nothing's wrong with quantifying and qualifying the problem and the proposed solutions, balancing your life with work and play, and calling in the emotional cavalry.  You deserve a break, and if life isn't automatically doling you out one, as is so often the case, then carve one out for yourself.  Reverse the helplessness.  I'm a mere mortal that does it every day.  I'm not sitting on a million dollar cadre of cash, I'm not a supermodel.  Hell, it's totally possible to get out of the helplessness rut if an ordinary average girl like myself can!  That's great news, trust me!

Be A Real Life Shero

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." -- Nora Ephron

It never fails to surprise me:  whenever a woman talks about her life, she's typically casting herself in the role of a victim.  Her boss did such-and-such to her.  Her boyfriend, that bastard, did it again (fill in the blank on "it").  Her mother infantilized her for the millionth time.  She's very rarely cast as the shero (as oposed to "hero") in the story.  And it makes me sad.  Women want to commiserate around the water cooler, it seems, patting each other on the back to dole out comfort...so sometimes when a woman goes for hers and brags about her exploits instead of exposing her failures, we wince, we judge...we give her the bitch backlash once she's out of our sight.  "Who does she think she is?" we cluck to ourselves.

Let's answer that question.  She's the shero in her life story.  That's who she is.  Ya know, if you Google "shero" at the top of the search results page, it asks, "Did you mean hero?"  Yikes.  Listen, I'm not a man basher...I adore men.  But when I first heard the term "Shero" I thought to myself, Yeah, baby!  That's more like it!  Why?  Think about it.  A "shero" is someone who is identified as a strong woman who has accomplished great things at epic proportions.  To me, strength is sexy.  Weak is wussy.  It's as plain as the day is long.  According to the Urban Dictionary, a shero "is different from a heroine in that a heroine is merely the main female character, to be a shero one must do a certain amount of kicking ass and taking down names."  Nice. 

Are you a heroine who is merely the main female character in the movie that's your life?  Or are you a shero, standing up for your rights and for the rights of others, kicking ass where necessary?  Well, if you don't view yourself as some kind of avenging Lara Croft from hell, does that mean that you can't be a shero?  By all means, no!   I'm sure you don't want to channel Penelope Pitstop, tied to the railroad tracks of life waiting for someone else to rescue you, but maybe you think of the term "shero" and say, "You're going overboard, Stace.  There's no way I need to be kicking ass and taking down names to make a better way for myself or others.  I can't be that person."   Well, yes and no.  It's all a matter of degree.  You can be aggressive or assertive, and still evolve a backbone for yourself instead of squishing through life unobtrusively like a transparent jellyfish. 

Think of this woman, for example, if you're wondering if all sheroes are supposed to be souped-up testosterone-laden creatures who happened to forget they were women:   Marilla Ricker (1840-1920).  An ardent suffragist, Ricker attempted to cast her vote in Dover every year for 50 years. She became New Hampshire's first female lawyer, tackled complex case law, and ran for governor, despite the fact that women were unable to vote. Because she had enough inherited money to live comfortably, she charged her clients no fees.  Just shortly before she died, women finally earned the right to vote...and don't you know, this trailblazer made certain her vote was cast ASAP.  I think Ms. Ricker is quite the antichrist of someone as souped up and leather-clad as Lara Croft, but she is a shero all the same. 

"Well, that sounds nice, Stacey, but my life is such a crappy mess that I can't imagine myself trying to be anyone's shero," you say, dismissing me with a wave.  If you want to move from victim to heroine, or even graduate right up there to shero status, there IS certainly a way for you to do so, despite your circumstances.  For example, when you donate so much as one dollar to a charitable cause, you make a difference.  When you clean out the pantry and drop off a bag of unwanted boxed and canned foods, you assist hungry families who could use a leg up.  When you donate blood to the Red Cross, you give someone the chance to stay alive.  When you take your spare time and donate it to a cause such as Habitat for Humanity, and you create shelter for those who need it, how can you not be a shero?

No matter who you are, there's something you can give to those in need.  You can start with small steps:  one dollar, one trip to donate blood, one extra coat turned in to the local shelter.  It takes courage, nobility and inner strength for one to sacrifice and perform a beneficial deed for others.  That's the definition of a true shero...one who passes up the role of victim, and morphs from being simply the lead character in her own life to an exemplary figure in the lives of others. 

Love Yourself First

"We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant.... You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it." --John Lennon

Women spend so much time in the pursuit of men.  They read books about them, study them, obsess about them.  Why?  Because we LOVE men.  We worship them.  We adore them.  Every facial expression (especially during the dating phase) is SO important.  We don't miss a single expression, lest we miss the hidden meaning tucked away inside the man.  Every text message, every telephone call or IM...it means more than anything else we have going on in our lives, at times.  We do double back flips for men, but what about for ourselves?  Please, we're lucky we treat ourselves with even one quarter of the tender loving care we give to the objects of our affection. 

Here's my big Universal Question:  Why can't we love ourselves like that?  I mean, extreme narcississm aside, what's so wrong with loving and caring for ourselves like a precious plant that we have to nurture and water in order to keep it growing strong, to keep it blooming and bursting with life?  A mani-pedi once a month doesn't count...like the plant, we need perpetual exposure to bright positive things, like green growing things need sunlight.  Like the plant, we need to water ourselves with beverages that are good for us, we need to trim away the dead things that stunt our growth. But when it comes to growing the garden of our lives, do we have green thumbs or brown ones?

BYO Luck

This actually would have been a more appropriate entry on 3/17/07, since the topic of today concerns luck.  Luck isn't monopolized by the Irish, you know!  Luck is what you make of it, to be honest.  It's really not something as random as you believe.  I've seen the word luck defined as "a chance happening, or that which happens beyond a person's control."  OK, believe that and you've essentially sentenced yourself to floating along the jet stream of life aimlessly.  No wonder you feel adrift, out of sorts and out of control!  Believe it or not, I completely disagree with the definition, and below is an explanation as to why.

Luck is what great motivational speaker Anthony Robbins refers to as an acronym:  "Labor Under Correct Knowledge."  Luck really is probability taken personally.  Put another way, luck is really about believing that you're lucky.  A study was performed where people were put in a room with a $20.00 bill on the floor.  Those that described themselves as lucky found the cabbage, as opposed to those who didn't think of themselves as particularly lucky.  Jean Paul Satre and Sigmund Freud both believed that a belief in luck has more to do with a locus of control for events in one's life, providing an escape from personal responsibility.  According to their findings, those who claimed their life was the result of "bad luck" were in fact living risky lifestyles.  Those who felt blessed by "good luck" invariably turned out to be individuals who had a cheerful outlook and satisfying social relationships. 

Psychologist Richard Wiseman agrees.  In his book, The Luck Factor:  Changing Your Luck, Changing Your Life, The Four Essential Principles (Miramax 2003), he espouses the theory that lucky people think and behave in ways that create good fortune in their lives.  "Lucky" people find fortune because they see it, they're open to it...the "it" being possiblity in general.  "Most people are just not open to what's around them," Wiseman says.  "That's the key to it." 

"OK," you say.  "You suck, Stacey.  That's a load of crap.  You cannot possibly tell me that I didn't have bad luck the other day when [some form of tragedy] befell me."  Oh yeah?  I would have felt that way back in February of 2000, when in the space of one week I lost (A) my then-boyfriend; (B) my job; and (C) my beloved best friend, my Nanny.  I would have told you back then that I was the unluckiest person in the world.  In fact, everything was a struggle, and I felt like I was walking uphill both ways in life.  But you know what?  Looking back, I realize that I was extremely lucky.  HOW???  First, the job I worked totally sucked.  I hated my boss, but loved my paycheck and the fact that I worked at a nice firm on Madison Avenue in Manhattan.  I never, ever thought I'd get paid better anywhere else, so I kept trying to hang on to a very yucky work environment, rationalizing that I needed to stay there to pay off my mountainload of student debt.  When I was downsized, along with three other members of my team, following my firm's having lost an account post-business merger, I was devastated.  However, within a matter of weeks, I was working much closer to my home, and...surprise...I earned better money.  I also went from working in a tight little cube to an office all my own.  Would I ever have looked for the new job had I not lost the old one?  Back then, the way my life was going, where my head was at, probably not; I'd have been too busy running around like a maniac with a long commute and a million things on my mind. 

And to say that losing my then-boyfriend was a blessing in disguise is an understatement. He looked, acted, and even SOUNDED like Carol O'Connor from All in the Family (well, a much younger version).  No Casanova, OK?  It's all so easy for me to say, "What was I thinking?" now.  But then, I was too blind to see the good fortune in a creature like that deep-sixing a sad, unbalanced, unfair relationship like the one we had going on.  Back then I couldn't see the great fortune and luck in the experience of being dumped.  (Do you know that following his discovery of my engagement last summer, he actually told a mutual friend that he was sorry he let me go, that he'd never loved anyone like he loved me???  Ha!!  Living well IS the best revenge, thank you very much dahhling.  (As I channel Ivana Trump to the max).

Losing my Nanny wouldn't seem like such a lucky thing.  She was my best friend, my protector, and the spunkiest, funnest woman in her eighties ever.  But you know what?  She suffered at the end, in a hospital bed, filling up with water as her body shut itself down.  I cried, I ached, and I barely function watching her suffer.  I got horrifically sick from the stress.  On the last day I saw her alive, she assured me that when she passed she was going to a better place, and that we would all be released from our suffering, she and I.  And although getting on the other side of that horrific hump of an experience took a while, and included the help of a fabulous grief counselor, do you know what?  It's better now than it was when the misfortune struck me in 2000.  It got better far sooner than now.  And my Nanny, knowing her, would be extremely proud of me for moving on.  She would never have wanted to suffer one picosecond more...it wouldn't have done anything, changed anything.  (This is also a woman who was so common sense about things, so detached from drama, that when my mother asked her what to do with her body once she passed, she shrugged and said, "Throw it away, Sandra."  Of course, we didn't do that!)

Was that horrible week in February 2000 a lucky week?  Looking back, it was.  I lost an awful lot of negativity and earned myself a better future.  No more grief.  No more subpar work environment for what appeared to be a fab salary.  No more, "Stacey, get me a beer, huh?"  Back then, I didn't believe myself to be lucky, so I missed the proverbial $20.00 bill lying on the floor, waiting to be seen (i.e., the relief from grief at some point down the road, the better job/dating opportunities all around me).  Believe that luck is not a random strike of supernatural lightning.  You channel your own luck, your own opportunities, by what you actively look for and what you actively filter out.  Change your outlook, change your destiny...and change your luck!