"Oh my god you guys/I totally had more than 300 calories/That was so not sexy, no/Good one, can I borrow that?/I WILL BE SKINNY" --Pink, "Stupid Girls"
You know, as I'm working out to The Firm's Lower Body Sculpt I DVD, I'm thinking, these women in the video are kidding me, right? One honestly appears to have fake boobs, which just are staring me in the face as me and my real boobs sweat and suffer. The ringleader who's calling the shots for this workout is perky and blond...wait, they're ALL perky and blond!!!! And the Ringleader says in this little girl voice, "That's why we call it the Fanny Lifter; it really works out your fanny!"
WTF?
I mean, really? We have to use words like "fanny"? I don't think I've heard that phrase since a parental unit said they were going to spank my fanny, and I think I was four years old at the time.
The Firm has some really great videos (NO this is not a promotional plug) but honestly, I wish to almighty God they'd have thought up some other, more adult moniker when divining the name "Fanny Lifter" for their workout step, which is a two-piece deal that comes apart when they don't want you to climb a full two feet in the air while doing aerobics. Otherwise, you often will climb up and down the complete two feet dozens of times (I'm sure burning fat like a mother) and often while hauling weights up there with you.
Oh, it's fun in a bucket.
However, the system does promise that you will see visible results in 10 days. (Or your money back). Of course, like most lazy Americans, I purchased my system years ago when the thing was new, and used it perhaps twice. Duh. Oh, and if you think I'm somehow more intelligent than you, here's proof that while they come boatloads dumber, I'm no Rhodes Scholar: a year or so later, I bought The Firm's Transfirmer system and used it once! OMG, someone save me from myself. (I warn you, however, I do not have a basement filled with Ginsu Knives, Mighty Putty and a cavalcade of Ron Popeil products--"set it and forget it" anyone?)
So, I figure now that I'm fat and not simply just interested in being fit, I'll haul out the workout systems and use them. What a concept!?! Is there anything sitting in your house that you bought and paid for ages ago that you haven't used? Perhaps it's time to whip that stuff out and have a freakin' Renaissance with it. It's YOURS after all!
But while I think that the whole stupid workout bimbo-lette thing is lame, and the name of the step I'm using lamer still, I have to say this much. It works! In LESS than 10 days, people are noticing that my stomach is getting flatter. And while no one's saying anything about my fanny, looking in the mirror I realize that perhaps my posterior no longer is so huge that it deserves its own web site. Amen.
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